A piece of my mind today...

This time last year, I was mourning. Mourning the loss of a second child. No woman should lose one child, no woman should lose two. My heart was broken. Completely. I heard this song today and it reminded me of the hurt that God held my hand through one year ago...

I have heard, "I'm sorry, you're not pregnant" more than any woman should. I've been through more hurt and loss than any woman should. I've had more shots, medicine, Dr visit's, and treatments than any woman should. I don't say this for anyone to feel sorry for me. I say it because through everything HE STILL REIGNS! Today... I'm praising God! 

I had a hysterectomy 3 weeks ago. After much (and much more) prayer, my husband and I made this decision together. While satan wanted me to hurt today, Gods love broke through and I'm able to praise Him. While satan reminded me that I will never have the chance to bring life into this world again, God reminded me of what He's brought me through the last 8 years. I praise Him that I will never again have to hear the phrase, "I'm sorry, you're not pregnant". I will never feel the hope of pregnancy only to have it overcome by grief. I will never again feel the agony of losing a baby.

So for that, for THAT, I say, "THANK YOU, JESUS!"

For those who are so completely worn from the journey of infertility or the loss of a baby... have faith. God does mend frail and torn hearts. A song WILL rise from the ashes of a broken life. Redemption WILL win. He is a good God! He is a great God! Even Especially when we are going through trials.

He has given me rest.

As my husband and I end our 8.5 year journey through infertility... I'm relieved. I thought I would be sad when this day came, but I'm not. Eight and a half years is a long time to constantly wonder. To have a heart that aches and longs for someone. It takes its toll on a persons soul. 

I look back and I truly can thank my God in Heaven for this trial that Matt and I have walked together. While it has brought many tears, it has also brought our greatest blessing on earth, Aden. We have lost 2 children, Isaac and Hazel, but we will get to hold them in Heaven. It has pulled at our hearts, but it has grown our hearts together 'til it seems they have intertwined. God allowed it, but God never let us face it alone. My faith has grown immensely over these years. Faith in a God Who CAN do anything, but doesn't always choose to. He does what's best for those who love Him, and this trial WAS what was best for Matt and I. I can say, with an honest heart, that my faith in Christ would NOT be what it is today if He had not allowed this trial. And for that I say,  "Thank You, Jesus!" 

As we end our journey, I know couples who are in the middle of theirs and couples who are at the beginning. For those couples, I say, "you are blessed." Don't allow this trial to be in vain!! Yes, it hurts... but you don't have to go it alone... that's your choice. God doesn't force His way into people's lives, but He certainly desires to be a part of it. 

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Oh, I wish someone had told me...

Can I challenge you today... to seek God. To really seek who He is. To dig deep into His Word to see what He wants you to know about Him. His Word is awesome! If you disagree with that statement than you've never studied it. It strengthens and renews. 

I wish someone had told me, at the beginning of our infertility journey, to seek God fervently. When we were in the midst of it all, infertility defined me. It was easy to feel sorry for myself when my identity was wrapped up in my circumstances. Which, for years, is exactly what I did... felt sorry for myself. Felt sorry that I couldn't do what EVERY woman has the God-given ability to do. Felt sorry that I couldn't provide my husband with what we both so desperately wanted. Felt sorry that we had to try so hard, spend so much money, and go through so much just to get what so many women throw away. When you focus on all that, it's very easy to feel sorry for yourself. I wasted so many years focused on myself. God wants us to be focused on HIM. To fix our eyes on what never changes. 

I would like to encourage YOU, seek Him today. Read about His awesome power, His majesty, His promises and His unfailing love for you. His identity never changes. He's the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Seek who you are in Him and your identity won't falter. Colossians 2:7- "Keep your roots deep in Him and have your lives built on Him. Be strong in the faith, just as you were taught, and always be thankful." Life is a lot easier to handle when your roots are deep in Him and your life is truly built on Him. We can find peace in the midst of chaos, and if you have gone through infertility, than you KNOW chaos. 

Once you know God, truly know Him, it's easy to hope in Him. Colossians 1:5- "You have this faith and love because of your hope, and what you hope for is kept safe for you in heaven." This verse is especially dear to my heart. What I hoped for is truly safe in heaven. And because of my faith, new hope in Him rises. He is good! 

When you see God for who He really is (not for what we want Him to be), trusting becomes easier. Letting go and allowing Him to work becomes easier. Loss becomes easier. Healing becomes easier. Disappointment becomes easier. Peace is accessible.

Seek Him.

Watch out for the rabid dust bunnies, they bite.

Let me invite you into my brain....

Please excuse the mess. I try not to venture into this part too often. You see, in my earthliness (that's a word, right?), this part still brings a little sting. It's dreams given up... handed over... released. 


Let's start at the beginning. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be like my mom. She was married at 18 and had her first child at 19. She had 3 kids by age 25 and was a great stay at home mom. This is how I pictured my future. Simple... fulfilled. 

(No offense to my ex-boyfriends.... but oh how I PRAISE GOD I didn't marry the "boys" I knew when I was 18.) 

I met Matt right before my 20th birthday, in fact, our first date was ON my 20th birthday. I know you won't believe me but I knew, on that first date, that I was going to marry this man. And I did, when I was 22. In my mind, we were already 4 years behind on my "plan". My plan, that I had nurtured and held so tightly to, since I was a little girl. So we plunged in, thinking we would be met with chubby cheeks and poopy diapers. We were instead met with surgeries, medicine, lots and lots of appointments with our reproductive endocrinologist, more medicine, disappointment after disappointment, painful shots, and fertility treatments. 


Me : Ummm, excuse me God... but this isn't part of my plan. I'd appreciate it if You'd fix it, 'cause obviously You've made a little mistake.


God: Do you know Who you're talking to? I don't make mistakes. This isn't your plan... it's Mine. 


I didn't much like this answer and didn't let go of my dreams for quite some time.


Three years into our journey, we were blessed with Aden.Sweet sweet... weird... Aden. If I had more kids, I'd want them to be exactly like him. God hand knit him to be the perfect fit for our little family. Aden... for this very reason I am able to praise God for our journey through infertility. 


If you are struggling with infertility, let me tell you, the journey doesn't stop after a child. Rather a grim realization. If you want another child, the journey starts all over again. This is where I let go. My dream, my hearts desire. God said "you MUST let go". Little by little, I let go. There may have been a couple times where God had to pry my fingers open... but by His grace and mercy I let go. Our attempt for a second child is a subject for another posting, but He used that loss to show me I had to let go of EVERY dream. 


Here is the scene I like to picture:


God's doing a little spring cleaning in His kingdom.


Angel: Hey G, can I toss this?


God: Let me see... oh no, this stays. This was a gift from my daughter, Tiffany. These are the desires of her heart. Because she loves Me, she gave Me these. They are very precious to her. And because I love her, they are precious to Me, too. They aren't the desires of My heart though. Those I will slowly plant in her heart so our desires are the same. The desires of My heart will bless her richly and will allow My glory to shine brighter. 

What is God asking you to let go of? 

Isaiah 55:8-9 The LORD says, "My thoughts are not like your thoughts. Your ways are not like My ways. Just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts."

Hello. My name is Tiffany and I'm...

Hello. My name is Tiffany and I'm... infertile. *GASP* I feel like I'm standing in front of an AA meeting admitting to a group of strangers that I have a "problem". Admitting it is the first step to healing, right? Well, maybe not in my case. 

I like to consider myself an infertility veteran. It makes me feel special or smug, I'm not sure which. My husband and I have been "cursed', or should I say "blessed", with infertility for 7 years. In my earthly self-pity I say cursed. But when I think of our sweet boy, that we have received through our "curse", I consider us blessed. I often feel blessed to be grouped with such strong Biblical women as Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Sampson's mom, Hannah, and Elizabeth. I'm also often encouraged by the sons of these women... 

Sarah has Isaac, who marries Rebekah, who then gives birth to Jacob (a.k.a. Israel). Jacob marries Rachel, who has Joseph, who, come on people... God did some amazing things through Joseph. Crazy stuff going on in this family line. If you know your Bible, than you know there was lots of sin, but lots and lots of God's grace and amazing power going on with this family. God alone created the Israelite nation through this family. 

Then we have Sampson's mom, not much is said of her, in fact, her name isn't even mentioned. But we know, from Scripture, that she was unable to have children. Look at the mighty things God did through her offspring, Sampson. 

Hannah, poor Hannah. In 1 Samuel 1, we see her crying and sad because of her inability to have children. She faithfully prayed for a child and God blessed her with Samuel, who grew to be a mighty man of God. Then there's Elizabeth. Elizabeth gave birth to John the Baptist. God used him to prepare the way for the coming Savior! 

I look at these stories and I see blessings and hope. I see God's mighty power at work through the women and their sons. When I focus on God, I see those same things in my life and my sons life. I can see how life's trials are God's blessings. I can't help but think God is going to do some crazy amazing things through the life of my son. He's going to use Aden in mighty ways for His kingdom. And there's NO greater blessing than that!