Please excuse the mess. I try not to venture into this part too often. You see, in my earthliness (that's a word, right?), this part still brings a little sting. It's dreams given up... handed over... released.
Let's start at the beginning. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be like my mom. She was married at 18 and had her first child at 19. She had 3 kids by age 25 and was a great stay at home mom. This is how I pictured my future. Simple... fulfilled.
(No offense to my ex-boyfriends.... but oh how I PRAISE GOD I didn't marry the "boys" I knew when I was 18.)
I met Matt right before my 20th birthday, in fact, our first date was ON my 20th birthday. I know you won't believe me but I knew, on that first date, that I was going to marry this man. And I did, when I was 22. In my mind, we were already 4 years behind on my "plan". My plan, that I had nurtured and held so tightly to, since I was a little girl. So we plunged in, thinking we would be met with chubby cheeks and poopy diapers. We were instead met with surgeries, medicine, lots and lots of appointments with our reproductive endocrinologist, more medicine, disappointment after disappointment, painful shots, and fertility treatments.
Me : Ummm, excuse me God... but this isn't part of my plan. I'd appreciate it if You'd fix it, 'cause obviously You've made a little mistake.
God: Do you know Who you're talking to? I don't make mistakes. This isn't your plan... it's Mine.
I didn't much like this answer and didn't let go of my dreams for quite some time.
Three years into our journey, we were blessed with Aden.Sweet sweet... weird... Aden. If I had more kids, I'd want them to be exactly like him. God hand knit him to be the perfect fit for our little family. Aden... for this very reason I am able to praise God for our journey through infertility.
If you are struggling with infertility, let me tell you, the journey doesn't stop after a child. Rather a grim realization. If you want another child, the journey starts all over again. This is where I let go. My dream, my hearts desire. God said "you MUST let go". Little by little, I let go. There may have been a couple times where God had to pry my fingers open... but by His grace and mercy I let go. Our attempt for a second child is a subject for another posting, but He used that loss to show me I had to let go of EVERY dream.
Here is the scene I like to picture:
God's doing a little spring cleaning in His kingdom.
Angel: Hey G, can I toss this?
God: Let me see... oh no, this stays. This was a gift from my daughter, Tiffany. These are the desires of her heart. Because she loves Me, she gave Me these. They are very precious to her. And because I love her, they are precious to Me, too. They aren't the desires of My heart though. Those I will slowly plant in her heart so our desires are the same. The desires of My heart will bless her richly and will allow My glory to shine brighter.
What is God asking you to let go of?
Isaiah 55:8-9 The LORD says, "My thoughts are not like your thoughts. Your ways are not like My ways. Just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts."
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